Tee-Totaling

My therapist wants me to stop drinking. She’s not wrong.

At the end of August, my anxiety, which I had been managing with Prozac and exercise, suddenly was out of control again. I was having panic attacks, insomnia, and irritability.

When I went for my flu shot, I talked to my doctor about switching anxiety meds, and I am currently trying something else (the jury is still out, but it’s not looking good). I also started talk therapy again, for the umpteenth time in my life.

It’s with yet another new therapist. The last time my anxiety went haywire was about four years ago — coincidence? I think not — although I wasn’t on medication at the time. I saw that woman for about a year, and at the end of what turned out to be our final session, she said, “I always enjoy seeing you. It’s very entertaining.”

In the moment I laughed, but soon after that I got angry. I wasn’t seeing her to provide entertainment.

I’ll call my current therapist Dr. K. So far, we’ve only “met” twice, and over zoom at that. Ah, the brave new world of telehealth! I actually don’t mind the zoom aspect. It’s quite efficient.

Among the areas and therapy goals we have agreed to work on are processing trauma, managing anxiety, parenting, spousal relationship — and alcohol use disorder.

I have had a problematic relationship with alcohol for at least the past two years. Instead of something I enjoy, drinking alcohol has become a method for coping with stress. And I have a shitload of stress.

I mean, alcohol is something I still enjoy. I like the taste of good wine, craft beer, quality Scotch, or a well-made cocktail. But I went from a reasonable number of servings a week, to an untenable number of servings a day.

After talking to my new therapist, I immediately stepped down my daily intake by two servings.

At our session last week, Dr. K challenged me to go down to one serving a day. “You know, eventually we’re going to take that number to zero, right?” she said.

In the language of Gretchen Rubin, I am a moderator.

“If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of precious energy justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.”

Dr. K says she is not a teetotaler, that alcohol has a time and a place to be enjoyed — with a good meal, for example. But the way I was — am — drinking wasn’t for enjoyment, as I said. I was — am — using it to cope. And I was getting very close to losing control over my consumption.

As of this writing, I have managed exactly one one-serving day. The good news is that I am still down by a good three to four servings on a daily basis.

In an effort to curb my drinking, I had ordered and tried Curious Elixirs. I cannot recommend them; they tasted terrible to me. I have a bottle of zero-proof whiskey alternative that am I giving a shot, no pun intended. It gives me the ritual of making a cocktail, but without the alcohol. I wouldn’t recommend trying to drink it straight — Dan and I both tried it on its own, and… let’s just say, it is not a quality Scotch.

For better or worse, the thought of never drinking alcohol under any circumstances freaks me out. Now, abstaining five days a week? Having a Friday beer, or wine with Sunday dinner? That sounds reasonable to me.

I’m not there yet, but that is the goal.

Photo by Andrey Zvyagintsev on Unsplash