Mother’s Day My Way
Some people probably think I’m doing it wrong.
The things we need, the things people need, vary, depending who they are. We talk about introverts and extroverts, about personality types, heck, even about astrological signs. But one thing that is challenging is the act of actually getting what you need.
Getting what one needs takes a lot of work for some people, certainly for me. Part of this difficulty simply comes from the fact that I have a long practice of just doing for myself.
I think doing for ourselves is a big trap that moms fall into. We do it because asking people to help, teaching children to do chores, asking partners to contribute more around the house can be difficult, frustrating, and intimidating. In pandemic times, things became even more challenging as we all became home-bound together, some moms needing to become teachers as well as work their own jobs and keep the household going.
It’s been exhausting, to say the least.
Another part of getting my own needs met meant figuring out what my needs are. I used to think I needed to be alone (which I do, but … in a different way than I thought), and when the pandemic came down, I took to withdrawing to my room when things got too stressful or I felt too sad.
But it turns out that hiding in my room wasn’t the kind of alone I needed. It didn’t help with sleep or stress or sadness or anxiety. So, I stopped doing that, and started hanging around with my children in the evenings and with my husband when he was home (and not seeing virtual patients). We don’t do big “family first” events. Every now and again, we play games together; we watch TV and movies. Sometimes I sit in the room and color while Psych or Buffy the Vampire Slayer plays, and my kids make comments on the shows.
It is a low-key kind of connection that made me feel better, more relaxed, more attuned. I talk to Dan and the children about my day, ask about theirs. I bought a popcorn maker so Michael could make his own movie popcorn (we are still working on the ‘clean up when you’re done’ part, but we’re getting there). I vent to Dan, making it clear that I just need to complain — it doesn’t require him to do anything or solve a problem. I tell him when I do want him to help me solve a problem, too, and when I want us to solve things together.
However, even as I am finding my way into this connecting, I was also aware I needed a break from doing for others. Being at home all the time, working and parenting and wife-ing and cleaning and home-improving was getting to be too much.
I am fully vaccinated and still following CDC guidelines, so I took my vaxxed self out of town. I am staying in a little loft condo on my own, and not taking care of anyone except for myself.
Deciding to do this caught my family off guard, and left them somewhat disgruntled. It took talking through some things to realize that I wasn’t doing it to inconvenience or punish them, or because I was tired of being a mom, or what have you — that my decision wasn’t about them at all. Even as our connections are growing stronger, what I needed was just quiet time for myself to breathe and be still. I needed to take a break from the constant decision making that I do for five people, and instead just do it for myself for a short bit.
One other thing that is difficult about meeting needs and getting met is communicating — and women are not the only ones not gifted in this area. For myself, I had been spending a lot of time thinking, “This is a mess, surely someone will take care of it while I work/fold socks/walk the dog/make dinner.” Or, “Surely they will understand my need to be on my own for approximately 30 hours, and they will support me taking care of myself.” But those things were not seen or obvious, and we need to talk about them.
And the last bit is the most important bit, and it is something I am still trying to learn for myself: I have value. I am important. I have spent many years minimizing myself and making sure I was meeting other people’s needs without taking care of myself or communicating my needs, and then not understanding why I was so stressed and anxious. It’s not an either/or proposition (something else I am still learning): I can take care of others, comfort and validate others’ needs and emotions without compromising my own care, comfort, and validation.
Who knew? (I didn’t. My therapist is helping me.)
Mother’s Day can be a hard “holiday” (Father’s Day, too, in case I need to make that clear). I’m sure many a mother is like me, and just wants a day or two completely off. Many mothers are happy to get cards and sticky kisses and breakfast in bed. Lots of people don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day at all — babyloss moms; children who have lost their moms; families where mom is absent for any reason, all of them painful; families where children are absent, and same.
Someday, maybe we won’t celebrate Mother’s Day or Father’s Day anymore, and there will be a great sighing of relief. And instead of one day a year that mom asks for and gets what she wants, more of us will be able to ask and receive more often, while also giving.
Image credit: Photo by corina ardeleanu on Unsplash
