Emotions in the Age of Coronavirus
I’m not sure if I’m managing them or ignoring them.
Last week, I made bread for the first time in a long time.
At the same time, my anxiety peaked. I am working from home — because if we’re lucky, we’re working from home — which has been going well. I was attempting to get my children to go online to do their schoolwork, but I wasn’t overly stressed about it.
But the bread, specifically proofing the yeast, was stressing me out.
I was mystified by my own reaction. I am an anxious person, this is well established. I had taken my meds that day, and all things considered, I thought I was managing things well.
But the bread was setting off racing thoughts. What if I hadn’t proofed the yeast long enough? What if the bread didn’t rise? Why was I freaking out over bread?
We’ve all heard the language: pandemic, unprecedented, flatten the curve, lockdown, social distancing. I know people who cry daily (who can blame them), people who are angry and freaked out and sad. All at the same time.
I have not been overly emotional (yet). I had a minor anxiety attack when I went grocery shopping, and the bread was clearly causing issues.
I feel like I’m in limbo. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, like it’s a matter of when, not if.
My strategies for managing this pandemic are as follows:
1. Monday through Friday: Get up, make bed, shower, and dress. Walk the dog, make coffee, start work. In other words, much of the same routine as when I go to the office, minus the “leaving the house” part.
2. I usually work for about four or five hours before I take a break. Contrary to popular advice, I tend to eat in front of my computer, both breakfast and lunch. Again, just like I do at the office.
3. Around 2 or 3 p.m. I take a break. I usually exercise during my break, a combination of cardio, strength, and yoga. If the weather is nice enough, I make the children go on a trail walk with me and the dog.
4. I usually wrap up my work day between 5 and 6 p.m. We have dinner, I have a drink; around 7 p.m., Michael and I watch a Marvel film. We are working our way through the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) in chronological order. We are up to Captain Marvel: Civil War.
I am not homeschooling the children. To be clear, I am giving them access to the things their teachers are putting online and encouraging them to complete the work. Two out of three of them are doing fine with this casual approach. The third is… well, her habits have not changed. I usually have to turn off her phone in order to get her to focus.
I have started a couple of virtual happy hours. Despite my introverted nature, having the option to go out and see people taken away from me has been a real downer. And I have a coffee chat with a friend as well. Seeing people’s faces, talking, laughing, sharing drinks, playing 20 Questions, even virtually, have really helped me. When I chose the word “Connection” earlier this year, I didn’t know I would have to use Zoom in order to keep my “resolution.”
Despite all of my attempts at keeping to a routine, I feel like I am holding my breath.
Anyone else feel that way? How are you dealing with it? (The bread turned out fine, by the way.)
